| Meme to bump the bad crap |
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| 08:18pm 15/05/2009 |
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mood:  hungry
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1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) Would you kiss me?
5) Give me a nickname and explain why.
6) Describe me in 1 word.
7) What was your first impression of me?
8) Do you still think the same?
9) What reminds you of me?
10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11) How well do you know me?
12) Would you meet up with me?
13) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you? |
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| Journal entry |
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| 09:02pm 13/05/2009 |
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mood:  depressed
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at first i had a lot to say,
some dream to share and feelings of joy.
nNow no need to speaking here,
knocked down a lot of pegs and just not feeling koovy.
amazin' how one simple word can lead to a small conversation that can just tug at that area, huh? you know that area, right? the one that acts like, a newly stitched up wound, but then there's that one snippit and some of those threads undo, so that hole is pullled open kinda? yeah, kinda like that.
words have meaning. most do not. those that do are overlooked, missread, or just simply ignored. i have a question; why is it everything must absolutly be one way? why? i don't get it. genders can be changed, religious beliefs can be switched, way of home can be moved. but why must there be a quota of what one is?
people speak of destiny, of karma, the life path to lead through time... nothing is set, but some things cannot be changed. nothing is forever, but lead of will won't easily stray.
yet all in all, it is the same. a quota of how one must be to be. not everyone can reach that. not everyone is able to. it can be because you're too weak, or you're not ready to, or sometimes you might have been but due to past events, you're unable to reach it.
not too many people know this, or will admit this is true. very few accept others who aren't up to par with how "people should be". to those people, i thank you for being so open and understanding. it's a nice change then to hear, say, someone try and tell you something to try and relate to you, then pity you for not being one of those people who isn't level with the rest of the world and asumes you speak something you are not when they don't know what the fuck is there.
i hate the Presence and how i cannot change anything. i can deal with how i am, and can kinda get used to hearing that same thing over and over again, but to hear it come from a friend...
....three stiches in, two yanked out.... |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Hey March! (filler untill tonight) |
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| 03:55pm 21/04/2009 |
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mood:  happy
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And with April moving on and things feeling loads better, I update with good thought ^^ I'm a bit more at ease with things and don't feel so damn crappy inside now. With May coming up, well, lots of things to look forward to. Pinko might be able to visit next month, Shawn looks forward to awesome grill more often, with the winds dying and heat picking up we might get more swim time at the lake, and, well, May is sometimes a good month. Not always, but usually nice ^^ So, who knows? |
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| Goddammotmarchend! |
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| 11:58pm 23/03/2009 |
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mood:  tired music: far away, the rain lightly rapping at the window
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( blerg )
TL;DR
I hate March and wish it would end, but things are doing alright. Feel worried still.
I can seem like two different people compared from online to offline. This is true among lots of people anyways. My story is I'm not pretending to be someone online or off, I just have issues and sometimes things are easier for me to do online compared to off and vice verca. I'm not two different people, just two different sides that still come from one whole. Being able to see that my sides are different but so close it's freakin' the same? That just means you have to look past everything and not only get to know me, but god damn get to KNOW me. I'm simple, but complexed due to having no life and having a simple mind but having issues and a broken soul. |
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| (K) sadness |
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| 02:33am 13/02/2009 |
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mood: Baaaaaw
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Last night, or, like, whatever, we visited Jeremy and walked up to Circle K to get some Coke for booze (or, whatever). We all traded stories of how sucky our lives had been, weather it was mental or physical abuse or some trauma or another and scored free pity hotdogs from the clerk. Awesome.
Funny how our group and other people around us in smaller, not as connected groups still have one major thing in common: We're all fucked up in one way or another and have lost time in life. Another thing, but is minor and isn't always true to everyone is there is a good chance there is some kind of relationship problem in there too. Like, I know no one will 100% know/get/accept me and even if they did, there's the whole thing where I can't contribute in any way so I'd be a worthless person in the relationship (I will not allow myself to be one of those people who has a mate but is the guy who has no job/too low paying of one and is too "sheltered" from how the world works like paying bills or doing taxes).
Yay. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Dreams update |
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| 10:54am 25/01/2009 |
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mood:  aggravated
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Okay, okay.... dreams, you need to let me have some normality or at least stop making it feel like I'm playing a Quantum Leap game =U
Just a rund down of dreams I had lately...:
*was eating a delicious burrito ^^
*saw a movie preview for 'Push' (though my version didn't have all them other powers and didn't have Dakota Fanning in it)
*I chewed apart Jerri's purse. Maybe out of frustration or bordom. ....don't you damn dare laugh >8V
*I watched Mike set a school bus on fire (don't know what the hell that was about o0 ).
*and recently- Well, the house I'm in was the same, just, different.... It wasn't falling apart or anything (furnature was different too). This town and all the people were totally different too. Just, the town layout (at least the road in this area) and Shawn's house/shape was the same. Everyone I knew wasn't here, not even myself. I got the role of playing some girl (prolly same age as me) and, of coarse, don't get to have a dream of eating ice cream or relaxing... I get to have the doom dread of having the IRS (Institute for Recovered Souls) want to kill me. Sound fun, huh? For the most part, I got to have visions of some suit park a car at the corner of the street (at the end, where Talc Plz turns from Talc Rd for those who know my liveabouts), and he'd walk down the road and into the house, pulling a really shiny gun from his coat pocket. I asume he was there to kill me. I mean, I was dubbed as "a horrible soul that must be cleansed". I guess I spent like two days, seeing this vision and knowing they were going to kill me, but no one actually came... I was an artist so I got to draw stuff (and much better quality then what I can do now, moreso since I worked with chalks and inks, materials I stole from a store XD ).
Guess that is pretty much it for that dream though... Had visions, was scared for when I'd actually be confronted, and just drew. Kinda wierd that nothing did happen... Usually dreams that show impending doom and let me know things are supposed to happen, well, happens. Here, wull, I guess I was just lucky to have woken up instead of sleeping in late like I had planned...
I think I'd rather have dreams where I get to sleep, or swim with otters, or have some relaxing time at Sulphir's sauna or something then have to run from things/people, save a certian amount of people in some prison, or to figure out how to save *one* person in a cursed town (which has their own happy guards to come after me when I am there for so long).... I hate these dreams that either make no sense and are boring or feel like work X/ |
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| Fuck Brawl online mode >=[ |
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| 05:09pm 11/10/2008 |
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mood: *eats the Wii*
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There's no way in hell I'll play online again. I feel so damn sick right now.... Yeah, I got beat in two matches. One was me being Pit, and half my movement/attacks/ANYTHING didn't work. Then I was Dedede, and found slow characters turbo-ultra-mondo SUCK ASS. I'm so furious.... I think what adds the stabs into my lack of online enjoyment is seeing a text box pop up on my friend's name (like "So long n_n") and he did have some ugh-worthy items (so far, I seen cracker launcher, super scope, springboard, pitfall, bob-omb, sticky, and (suprise suprise) a Smash token). But even if I got used to the items, and got used to playing people I don't know, the whole lagging my attacks, movements, guard/roll/dodge is fucking agrivating as hell. I swear to god I loath it. I'd rather watch Eragon, in the hottest day of summer, with no swamper running, sunlight right on me, while eating onions then play Brawl online. Because I feel just as sick being so fucking mad at the game not letting me do what I tell it to do.
Nintendo, you fucking assholes. I stuck up with you for ages and still prefer your consols/games then any other. But you just don't know how the hell to do online play D= Only online games I'll play now are Pokemon Pearl, Animal Crossing WW, and if we get the Wii Animal Crossing, that. You can't fuck up Animal Crossing Wii Nintendo. You know how I know? Your damn online system is ONLY MENT for Animal Crossing. ....stupid simple online play....
You know what's sad? The first round was canceled. I was actually doing GOOD and the game didn't lag as much, but the fucking Wii said "HOLY SHIT, I'M NOT LAGGING ENOUGH! ERROR CODE 0293U092U5O P4IJT34JTVI3HR!" and locked up. It didn't turn the Wii into a Mac (like it did before on me when I tried a random play and it worked with Kris and Jeremy)... But still... Game is tolerable, it locks. Game sucks fucking balls, it works enough to piss me off.
So here I sit, still angry and sick, almost thinking if I even want to just see the damn game turned on anytime soon let alone play online >8E3 |
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| クッパクラウン |
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| 07:17pm 08/10/2008 |
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mood: I has a bad migrane D=
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IHOP was really good ^^ Cutting mats was pretty fun too. Though, where were downsides... I couldn't cut the mats as good as I liked (and the small sword wasn't sharp X/ ), I shoulda not eaten anything all day so I could have eaten my order at IHOP (I didn't finish the eggs or hashbrowns, and that's sad as the last time I was at IHOP, I had the stuffed french toast, ate all of the side order, had cinnamon bun french toast, and ate the rest of Mike's french toast...), and all and all, after the day was done and the meal was eaten, I was turbo tired... Mike and Shawn REALLY wanted to do something else, but I had woken up really early in the day and only had maybe an hour nap before Mike showed up, so, I couldn't stay up if I wanted to (the meal helped lul me down too). My morning happy mood was quickly dashed when my leg decited to suprise twist up, hurting most of the morning, and I had the fun to sit here alone (well, figuratively speaking, Ray went out again and Shawn is asleep) trying not to kill Tilda because she won't leave the damn window alone (and if she gets out, game over, I'm not hunting her down or calling her back). ...ugh... I hate cats X/
On a lighter note of everything, I did find a few new wiki's to play around in. |
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| このみクッキ－ |
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| 12:05pm 07/10/2008 |
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mood:  bouncy
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Got a new mouse (yay for Guild Wars and Second Life playing!!!!), gonna cut mats, got to IHOP, sometime there will be a trip to Vegas for sake! Joy!!!! 8D |
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| North American softwood dimensional lumber sizes... |
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| 04:08am 25/09/2008 |
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mood: amused
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Normal | Actual
____________________________________________________________________
2 × 4 | 1 1⁄2 in × 3 1⁄2 in (38 mm × 89 mm)
____________________________________________________________________
Remember this. It may save your life. If not, well, you can always go with:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
....Though, I doubt that'll stop The Vee-neddy . Lawl |
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Read 9 - Post |
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| ラッコのぼうし |
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| 04:51am 22/09/2008 |
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mood: pessimistic
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I know if I post something by thought, I'll go off on some blargy blog. Not in the mood to go off on all the crap right now X/ So I'll just post this for filler:
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| *drunk drunk drunnk* |
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| 01:17am 10/09/2008 |
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mood: drunks
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Yuppp. Druink. Can't help it. Jhonny walker black was yummy and in my flask. Kept drinking as I was thirsty, and RC cola swigged after black label tasted good and didn't dry my mouth out too much. ....flask ran out. ...now feel like, well, "he doesn't feel a thing like Jesus". ....lawl.
I feel a tad goofy, but it is really ahrd to keep that mask up. Seriousness, sadness, thsoe memories... Ugh...... Hope Micky doesn't think I'm a dork... Oh, FArxy, happy birthdya man!!!! You're one fox who rocks but I missed ya the night/day you where on.... I woulda said you coulda grinded me info out of me like that time I has been on the pain pill that one night, but you know me too much... =P Hopefully my berry tea will fix me. ..
.....sorry if I was a downer/bother/annoyacne/enter whatever here for being drunk. Except raydog. I really did mean I'd kick you down. |
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| Cut my hair |
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| 06:14pm 07/09/2008 |
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mood: a tad empty D=
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As title says D= It's really damaged from the heat/humidity this town has, it got in the way (I didn't care if it covered my eye(s), just didn't like it in my mouth when I ate), and it's kinda a pain in a few ways... ...but I liked it... But it looks like I'll need to have a happier life in another place if I want to live happily with long hair. I'll perform an offering (unless it's a bad idea) to also push torwards a more, happier year. Hopefully a new start at least too. But past all of that, I guess this might be the only time I'll cut my hair. Hopefully this one will be symbolic AND promising... But if things don't turn out right anyways, then it looks like I'll be miserable with short and long hair (as usually, my life gets shitty when my hair is long).
I dont' care if it looks wierd/bad short either. I feel really sick right now and won't be in the mood for too many cracks about it either... Besides, hair grows back, and mine grows in thick and fast. ...but speaking of thick, it has an odd shape to it short X/ I think the length made it shape different then it was used to (as I only had my hair long and cut it once before, but it was a really, really short haircut, not like this kind i have now). It feels... .....strange. I have a lighter head, feels cooler, but on the other hand, I am so damn used to wafting my hair strait or out of my face, I feel the urge to do so, but having no hair there now throws me off.... *sighs* It's like, I feel better and sick because of cutting it... And I got so used to my hair all long, feeling the ottery-thickness once again after a few years of not cutting sends me into a strange feeling....
Huh... Now I gotta find another character serious pic to use on here, as my Jade one doesn't quite match, with the whole he has long hair still and I don't going on now D= |
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| いちごとうふ |
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| 07:56pm 01/09/2008 |
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mood: aggravated
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Been ages since I last updated. Nothing really to say. Still no job, still dont' think I'll get one, donnoe if I'll even get hired for holiday help when it "becomes avalable"... I'm almost thinking of giving some kind of offering as a plea to friggin change the year's suck fest.
In other news... ....I have none D= *goes off into nothingness once more, cursing the year for being so long, hot, sticky-humid, and full of do-not-want* |
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| reposted everywhere but whatever |
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| 07:52pm 10/08/2008 |
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This'll take a lot of time to write and paste everywhere, but in some cases I guess I need to say why I'll be gone online for a while.
Well, turns out my luck has turned more for the worse here and made me hate myself and this year more. Tonight I *finally* had one of my night walks turning into something I never thought would happin really. Got into a fight. Normally this wouldn't be bad, but it turns out I'm not in the best shape still, and can't take on two people at once. They wanted money (which I had stated MANY times I had none when they kept asking if I had change for a five), and I guess my MP3 player was going to be their target of payment (they didn't get it, but my crappy dollar headphones didn't survive the fight). There are a lot of things that went wrong and I should be pissed about, like my glasses not able to be found after the fight, and my favorite pink ribbon going missing, but what pisses me off was I was able to be taken down by two people and on top of all of that, I was hurt more by my head hitting the road and punching one of the guys then them "punching" me. *sighs* Once it hits light up, I gotta head back out and look for my most likely broken glasses. I just hope those fags didn[t come back and take them for a trophy or something X...
In short, I diddn't do as good as I should have in the fight, got blood on my white shirts... ...AGAIN, and with my glasses gone and me relying on my blue lenses and my right hand swollen and hurting, drawing..typing won't be possable or as easily for me D=. Yay 2008. No job, less drawing time in, possably lost a pair of glasses I NEEED and can't replace, and what self esteem I have is gone (though I must admit, I did do alright by myself, blind, my left leg didn't take ANY damage, and Im still pretty and have my teeth =3 ).
Yeah, just wanted to inform y'all the great news I have D= |
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| いいえのタイトルを言ってやる |
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| 02:24am 01/08/2008 |
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mood: aggravated
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Nothing to say. Same month, same feel, same crap. No job, bothering people, hating MSN fecking up... X/ |
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| =\ (multi-crossposted) |
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| 04:08am 12/07/2008 |
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mood: aggravated
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Why? Why always? People like me to digrees where they shouldn't. People hate me for no reason and won't tell me why anyways. I'm told to be positive and I have so much potential, but when I'm more positive then I already am, this fucking world just makes me sick (physically and mentally. The world around me and the fact I'm such a big failier doesn't help me one bit), and though I guess I do have potential, but with so many times failing in things, what's the point in tapping that potential if it's not working with me? Using it and doing nothing is the same waste, just in different results (trying makes me miserable and hate myself more, and staying in this nothing state keeps me sane).
I cannot love, I don't want to be loved (as honestly I don't see how people CAN love me). I'm a miserable, useless, annoying creature who can't support himself, no matter what I may or may not have.
Once again, my own mum pushes the school that's too good to be true and I don't believe in on me again, and using her fucking guilt trip of a kind of dying wish I guess, she wants me to try "as she never asked for anything else" (B-I-G F-U-C-K-I-N-G L-I-E). I guess I'm foreced to go to this school, and I guess I won't put too much a hold onto my friends with me moving out for a bit temporaraly as Rayman is here now and has a job. But this won't work out good. I don't have faith in myself. I've failed my whole fucking life and KNOW this won't work in any way. And I vow by lead and life of the white faced one that once I do fail this, I will never try anything like this again. No leap of faiths, no do-overs, no whattamaybies. I've seen my future. It holds nothing. And in the end, this will just conferm I am not worth anything in this world and is fucked to be a nothing.
Oh, and I think it's fucking bullshit to have my own mum say I need some kind of mental counsiling for this. After being treated how I was in my life, I should be killing the very problem of my pain right now untill I am locked in a dark cage or killed. But I still act normal. Why am I in check? Because I know how to fucking think and work. SHE is the one who got all emo-depressed and needed drugs to "feel better". Yeah, I'm fucking lame and pathetic. But at least I don't let it swallow me up into this even more useless thing, begging for some outside substance to temporaraly align me to something that others see as "normal". My mind is wavery, my soul is broken, and my memories are fucked up (a lot of my flashbacks are of blackouts), but I'm still in check and know how to flow in a way where I am my self. Not my true self, but if things where different, I had a better home area (this desert is a good way to wrack my brain and body D= ), and was able to, I could be fully true and open. But since things NEVER work out for me like that, then why the fuck bother?
And for those who think I do need some kind of psychiatric help; unless you've had a life where half of it was of abuse and lies, had a shitty housing enviroment, had your father try to kill you, watched a large side of your family shun and judge you, was homeless at one point, failed pretty much every major event you had tried at (future preporations, school, GED, all/etc.), have a body that is breaking apart and is never going to get into any kind of decent shape, had gradually grown to shade yourself due to a hatred building up for yourself and the fellow creatures around you, and had to deal with a pain that is hard to deal with as it's something you get when around people, and STILL you don't do drugs/alcohol/violent acts and such, then fuck you. My life isn't something to have, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone as I know almost no one would really deal with it too well, but it's what I had been through. I don't brag, I don't boast, I don't use it to get attention. But saying something as assdiculous as "you need mental help" when you only see that I have low self esteem, well, you're not going to do well in my thoughts at the moment and I will retort with a "go fuck yourself".
[/rant; reminder how much I hate myself and this year] |
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| Rain, rain, bugger off! |
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| 02:30pm 05/07/2008 |
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mood:  drained
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Well, Four Day (or, the fourth of July for y'all normal folks) was a decent day. I got to celebrate it by staying home, away from crowds, and enjoyed the John Addams marathon on HBO. And late into the night, I wasn't disturbed by fireworks (speaking of the personal ones, as I can't stand them now (withholding reasons to keep this from turning into a rant)), or the classic mexican/red neck hoo-wee shooting guns into the air crap.
So, there I am, hot, but not TOO hot, and decited to go for a walk. I haddn't done so in a long while as it's been so hot, even at night. I get pretty far, see/hear lightning all around, but smile as I listen to music still, thinking it's just a pretty show. .....then it freakin' rains on me. .....IT RAINS ON ME. Why the hell does it always get to a point where I REALLY need a walk into the night and gather my thoughts/ stay active and it god damned always rains on me???? *growls* I'll never get that at all...
So, now here I am, waiting to see if Jeremy shows up sometime this weekend, either today where Mike won't be over for anime, or tomarrow where he won't be over AND we can't do nothing in the night as it's laundry night, and I'm feeling uberly icky, with both after rain still on me and a humid gunk, thanks to the stupid rain bringing in...
....and no, people who think rain in desert = long and cooling..... ...YOU'RE WRONG. I had seen it do that ONCE. Once back in 2000. Apparently before I moved back to Bullhead it had rained like that. ....but what good is counting that if I wasn't here to enjoy that? EVERY time it's rained and I had been here it's been long enough to dampen stuff, raise the humidity level, and make me feel icky while making the swamp cooler not work at it's best D=
Hooray for monsoon season D= *sulks off to sit in front of the not-working so well breeze of the swamper and sighingat the feeling being a soggy tennis ball* |
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| The stupid test |
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| 04:04pm 27/06/2008 |
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mood: special
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18 or lower means you're not stupid.
[ ] You don't speak english and used one translator to read some things.
[ ] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
[ ] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking.
[ ] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[x] You have jumped out/off of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed out loud, then people gave you weird looks.
[ ] You have ran into a tree.
[ ] It is possible to lick your elbow
[x] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[ ] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm.
[x] You just tried to sing them.
[ ] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.
[ ] You have seen the the Matrix and still don't get it.
[x] You didn't notice that in the last question "the" was spelled twice
[x] You just looked at it
[ ] Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde.
[x] People have called you slow.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.
[x] You've fallen asleep in class.
[ ] If someone says "fart" you laugh.
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about.
[x] People shake their heads and walk away from you.
[x] You are often told to use your "inside voice" I pretty much got kicked out of the outside of the library (my outside voice was too loud for outside D8)
[x] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[ ] You have eaten a bug.
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something important
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it.
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand, hair or pocket.
[ ] You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't even when you know it won't happen to you.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[+] Your friends know not to use big words around you (only sometimes. Shawn only uses big words D= )
[x] You sometimes tilt your head when you're confused
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before
[x] When you're laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling. (they frigging jump out and catch my eye! I don't do that all the time. Just MOST!)
[x] The word "umm" is used many times a day.
24??? D= Fuck. |
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